Letters to Sara: 3 years old

My dearest Sara,

You're 3!  I've been meaning to write you this letter for some time.  I've sat down to write it more times than I care to admit. I just can't put into words what I need to tell you....but I'm going to try.  

It was just about 4 years ago today when I first laid eyes on you on that ultrasound screen in the doctor's office..the doctor declared you perfect.  Your daddy and I were so overwhelmed with gratitude and joy.  We fought so hard to have that moment; a moment that I was terrified would never happen for the 2 years we struggled to get pregnant with you....a moment we wanted more than anything in the world.  

When you were growing in my belly, we hoped and dreamed about things we would do once you arrived.  We were excited about teaching you things and raising you to be best person you could be.  A person who loved and laughed.  A person who was kind and gentle.  

When you were born and finally placed into my arms, my dream was fulfilled.  I was a mother, something that I wanted more than anything in the world.  There was never any questioning in my mind.  Being a mama wasn't something I wanted....it was something I needed....I needed to be someone's mama....it was a need so deep and desperate.  You filled that desperate need. You filled my heart with an overwhelming love.....The kind of love you could never expected or be prepared for....The kind that knocks the wind out of you. 

Watching you grow and develop has got to be one of the best parts of parenting.  Like all parents, I had moments in which I felt paranoid, like I was overreacting to subtle differences in your development.  At your 12 month visit, when your pediatrician told me that he was concerned, I thought that he was overacting.....but, deep down, I knew.  At 18 months, when the neurologist told us that she wanted to run invasive tests, I pleaded with her to just give you more time....deep down, I knew.  You were our perfect girl....you just needed more time.....you would show them.....deep down, I knew. Just after you turned 24 months, we started more assessments.....deep down, I knew.   By the
time you were 30 months, we were knee deep in evaluations....deep down, I knew.   You had so many appointments that Spring as your daddy and I sorted through an endless supply of paperwork, confusion, and worry....deep down, I knew. 

Then, one beautifully perfect day in June, I heard the words no parent is ever fully prepared to hear...your daughter has Autism....but, really, I heard the words that deep down, I knew.   Then, the neurologist called and said that you have several rare chromosomal disorders.....words that I never expected to hear.    It was a one two punch to my gut that shook me to my core.  I tried so hard to be brave both for you and the people that loved you.

Even as we sat through your first IEP meeting, I felt like you surely did not belong in special education.  You would get into that class and show them you didn't belong there.  I read more boards, articles, and books on autism than I ever thought possible.  I was in denial and I was angry.  They say that people with autism have difficulty with transitions, but I was the one who couldn’t accept this new role. I didn’t want special. I didn’t want different. I just wanted you...my perfect girl...who was fearly and wonderfully made.

The neurologist had the infamous Welcome  to Holland  poem in her office.  It's often given to parents of newly diagnosed special needs kids. In the essay, you prepare for a trip to Italy. You read up on the culture, pack the right clothes, even learn some of the language. You board the plane. And when you disembark...you are in Holland. Holland is a beautiful place, with windmills and tulips and lovely people. But you were supposed to go to Italy. Pasta! Gelato! Buongiorno! And now you see only wooden shoes and salted herring.  I remember reading it and thinking I don't want to go to Holland.... I just want this to go away.

The vast variety of materials I read in the following months to learn how to be a better mama to you just added to my feeling of inability. There was so much information out there, some of which was conflicting. So many therapies promising to be THE cure. People told me tings like, Trust your gut instinct and you are your child's greatest advocate...you know her best.  

I was afraid that I wouldn't have the capacity to be what you needed me to be. Even worse, I wasn't sure WHAT you needed me to be.   After your diagnosis, your entire future seemed uncertain. Would you have friends? Go to college?  Drive a car?  Yes, in those first days, I thought about those silly yet quintessential rites of passage.  Essentially, my dreams were crushed.....I was deeply grieving.  

We didn't tell many people.  Heck, I wasn't even sure what to say.....she's autistic, she has autism, or she has developmental delays.  It all sounded wrong.   I was still processing my own grief and wasn't in a place to help others process theirs.  Several people told me about autistics they knew and told me that they all had "special gifts".   Of course, without meaning to, their comments just made me feel worse.  Of course you were special!   You were our dream come true that loves music and swimming. EVERYONE has strengths....no matter what their diagnosis.

In trying to process my own grief and trying to figure out how to be a good mama to you, I stumbled across a blog called The Diary of a Mom.  She wrote a beautiful post called Welcome to the Club.  She put into words what I was trying to articulate:

You just want her to be accepted and cherished and celebrated for every last morsel of who she is. If we are parenting our children – any children – from a place of respect, over time our dreams for them will evolve as we find out who they are.  You will come to understand that there are gifts in all of this. Tolerance, compassion, understanding. Precious, life altering gifts.

Watch her. Follow her lead. Be patient. She will show you her strengths. More slowly than you might have thought, but they will begin to unfold. Because EVERYONE has strengths. And when they emerge, encourage them. Foster them. Build new dreams around them. Together.

Yes, baby girl.  Together, we are building new dreams as we find out together how to navigate this thing called Autism.  It is your story and I can't wait to watch you write it.  Your daddy and I will continue to accept, cherish and  celebrate you for every last morsel that you are.....A person who loves and laughs. A person who is kind and gentle.  We are excited to teach and guide you you to be best person you could be. But, please know, you have taught us more than you can imagine.  You will for ever be my greatest wish come true....the girl that made me a mama...the girl who is fearly and wonderfully...exactly the way you are supposed to be.  

Happy 3rd Birthday, baby girl! We love you with every fiber of our being....

xoxo,

Your mama

Letters to Sara: 2 years old!

Dear Sara,

You are two years old today!  I have had the pleasure of spending the last 730 days with you since your birth.....the day I was given you in a perfect 6 pound 14 ounce package of pure joy...the day that forever changed my life for the better.

From the day you were born, you have been a happy child with an ability to melt everyone’s heart and put a smile on our faces. Your daddy and I have been the proudest parents every day as we have watched you transform from that 6 pound newborn to the toddler we see before us today.  To us, you are perfect and we couldn’t ask for a better child.  Never forgot that, sweet girl!

A year ago, you were still crawling and had your "chunky monkey" baby body.  Today you speed walk everywhere you go, and have turned into a little girl who loves to clap, read books, swim, sing, and laugh.  Somewhere along the way, you decided to start talking and now we get the biggest kick out of learning what is on your mind.  Your latest trend of adding a ‘y’ to your favorite nouns (milky, cuppy) is amusing but we can live without the “No” response you somehow acquired in your vocabulary.  The words we hear come out of your mouth never cease to amaze your daddy and I.  You are a little parrot right now, repeating everything we say.  There is not a day that goes by when your daddy and I don’t look at one another and smile over something we hear you say. We never could have imagined how much fun being your parent would be.  You are one special little girl!

Welcome to your third year of life. We are ushering in the year of "why," potty training, and a big girl bed. I cannot wait to see what the next 365 days bring us.  Never forgot how much you are loved. Nothing will ever change that sweet girl, ever....

xoxo,

Your mommy

Letters to Sara: 19 months old

Dear Sara,

It seems like I just sat down to write you 16 month post and now you are 19 months old already. Somehow, I think this 2nd year is slipping by quicker than the first. It's probably because we are just having so much fun watching you change into a little girl!

Here's what you are doing at 19 months old:

• You are getting so close to walking. You took a couple of steps by yourself between your daddy and I the other day. I was so excited that I cried tears of joy. You thought it was the funniest thing...mommy and daddy making such a fuss over you!



• You have a new word....Nana for bananas! You're up to 3 words...mama, dada, and nana.
  


• You love the Madri Gras beads you played with on Fat Tuesday this past week. Man, I think you played with them for like 15 minutes straight!
  


• You took your first train trip last weekend. Grammie and Gramps joined us for a trip to the Sacramento Train Museum. You enjoyed the train and all the attention you got. It was much better than your carseat!



• You love giving hugs and kisses. The other night I got home from work and you speed-crawled over to me. When I picked you up, you gave me the biggest, sloppiest open mouth kiss ever. God, you make my heart melt, Sara!



• You have the sweetest, gentlest spirit. The other day you brought Belle's toy over to her and dropped it by her face. When she didn't respond, you picked it up again and then gave her a gentle pat. It was like you wanted Belle to play with you...so sweet!

Sara Bear, we love you more than the moon and the stars. You are our greatest wish come true....never forget that.

xoxo,

Your mommy and daddy

Letters to Sara: 1.6 months

Sara--

You are one and a half years old today! C.R.A.Z.Y!!! Here's what you are doing at 18 months old:

• You are such a bundle of fun and energy. You have the funniest sense of humor and you make us laugh all day long.
  



• You have hair...curly hair! You even have enough that I can put little bows in. I have started making some bows and I think I have found my new craft obsession. I can't wait to make more bows for you!



• You are eating 80% of the time with a fork. However, sometimes you get frustrated and use your hands. You can make better time with just your hands!
  

• You are becoming more and more steady on your feet. We call you the "one hand walker" because you walk everywhere with us but you have to hold on with one hand, sometimes just one finger. You will not let go for nothing! If we try to let go, you sit down. Don't worry, baby girl, we will never let go of you!




• You are showing more of an interest in TV. You love Sesame Street and watch and clap when you get excited. You watch Cat in the Hat with Daddy and Word World sometimes. You usually watch 5 or 10 minutes and then take off to the next thing.



• Daddy calls you a parrot because you imitate everything we do. The Johnson's gave you a purse for Christmas. You love playing with it and pulling out the cellphone and talking on it. We are so in trouble....
  

• Books are still a favorite. However, you are such a wiggly worm these days that you aren't a fan of being read to. You love to sit and flip the pages, though. You have also started liking stickers.
  

You have won the neighborhood's heart with your cuteness on your tricycle! You love going for a ride, waving and ringing the bell for everyone you see. I can't believe what a little girl you have turned into. You amaze me.

Your number one activity these days in exploring. You love opening and closing doors and drawers. Once that fun is done, you take everything out of the drawer. Once the drawer is empty, you move on to the next thing on your path of destruction!

Oh Sara, your daddy and I love you more than anything. We are so thankful that you came to be our girl. One of the first things I remember telling your daddy about you was that you were perfect, right down to the fuzz on your shoulders. Never forget that Sara. To us, you are perfect....right down to the fuzz on your shoulders. God made you perfect for us.

xoxo,

Your Mommy

Letters to Sara: 1.5 months

Dear Sara,

Merry Christmas! It's Christmas Eve and you are 17 months old today! I know I say it every month, but I think this might be my favorite month yet. You are coming into your own and you are so funny. You love to laugh...I hope that never changes, baby girl. I can't get enought of watching your little personality develop and shape itself each day.

You continue to be happy and content. You sqeal, and laugh, and sing every morning when I drop you off at school. You love school and your teachers always tell me that you are such a happy girl.

You are beginning to understand simple instructions like "it's bathtime", "where's your book", and "show me your belly". You think your belly is just about the funniest thing ever. You are truly a Kenny because you have mastered the belly pat, just like your daddy and his brothers do.

You have mastered the sign for "more" and we are still working on "please" and "thank you". As for words, I know that you are trying so hard. At times, I swear you are busting out with some new words. I think you said "yeah" the other day.

You are getting more and more steady on your feet. You make just about anything into a push toy. You are also quite the climber and love climbing on your new chair and the sofa.

You are totally starting to ham it up for the camera. You pose anytime I bust the camera out. How quickly you catch onto things!

Sara, we love you sweet cheeks! Never, ever forget that.

xoxo,

Your mommy