Sara's year in pictures

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2013 reflections

2013....what a year! It will be remembered as a year that was filled with challenges, but also much joy. Here's a look at some of the highlights:

Fun in the snow!


Love riding in the car!



Autism diagnosis...it seemed to changed everything...but at the end of the day, it changes nothing....Sara is still Sara.


Traveling to Columbus, OH to participate in Rebuilding Together's building a healthy neighborhood project!


I ran my first 5k and did a mud run!




Road trip to Bend, OR to celebrate or 6th wedding anniversary, my 40th birthday and Sara's 3rd birthday!












She's growing up too fast!










First day of school!







Walk of Hope


She's a nut!



Front yard landscaping projects...



Just fun....


Halloween:



Napa wine Train getaway


St Jude's give thanks walk at the San Francisco Zoo



Cuddle time!



Swimming lessons



Fun with the iPad



Sara was big and brave and tried to sit on Santa's lap at school



Our tree and our ornaments!


What a big year for our family. I am grateful, and awed, about the way God works through struggles to touch and change us all. Our troubles are also our joys if we can hold them up and put them where they belong — in God’s hands.



Happy New Year!


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You is kind, you is smart, you is important

One of the books I read on maternity leave after Sara was born was The Help.  I laughed, I cried, and laughed some more.   It since became a movie and I loved the movie even more.  I loved Aibileen and how she instilled self worth in Mae Mobley again and again through the familiar line:
 

"You is kind, you is smart, you is important."

 

 

After I read that line, I said it to my sweet girl everyday, because that is what I want her to believe.

That is what I want her to know.

 

Shortly after Sara was diagnosed with Autism, there was a horrible letter written to the parents of the child with autism that went viral.  In all truthfulness, I haven't made it thru the whole letter. It physically hurts me to know that is what is waiting in the world.  If you want to read it, you can see it here. 

 

 

 

 

 

One day, Sara will be able to look around and notice what sets her apart from others. When she takes notice of this, I want her to see a person who is capable, who is believed in, who is supported, who is loved, who is respected. I want her to see a girl who can dream any dream, wish any wish and work hard to make them come true. I want her to see her abilities, never her disability. Sara will grow up hearing, "You is kind, you is smart, you is important."

Christmas 2013

Our Christmas was super low key....and perfect!  We spent Christmas Eve with my parent, my borther and his family.  We had appetizers for dinner and opened gifts before heading off to church. 

 We spent the night at my parents and Santa came the next morning.  We had breakfast and played with presents and stayed in our jammies. 

Hit of the morning.....her new Hohner music instraments!!!

We had homemade tamales for dinner.  After dinner, Sara gave Gramps a big hug.....her first time giving him a big hug.  We were so proud of her!!!

Much like my parents did for me, I started a tradition of buying a Christmas ornament for Sara each year.  The ornaments is representative of something special that happened that year.  This year, Sara got a cookie monster ornament because she looks Cookies, Cookie Monster and was Cookie Monster for Halloween.

Checking out her ornament.

 Showing off the ornaments.....I'm holding the ornament I got when I was 3 in 1976!  Sara's showing off her ornament she got when she was 3 in 2013!

Special hugs with my special girl..

 

moments over....off to give daddy hugs!

 

Santa Claus

Sara was big and brave at school. She sat on Santa's lap!




She has wanted nothing to do with the jolly guy. Her teacher has been working with the kids a lot. She signs the "Santa is his name-o" song whole donning a white beard and Santa hat. Sara thinks it's the funniest thing. She has also started to notice Santa in the yards of our neighbors during our light walks at night. So proud of her!

Her she is with her class....




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Letters to Sara: 3 years old

My dearest Sara,

You're 3!  I've been meaning to write you this letter for some time.  I've sat down to write it more times than I care to admit. I just can't put into words what I need to tell you....but I'm going to try.  

It was just about 4 years ago today when I first laid eyes on you on that ultrasound screen in the doctor's office..the doctor declared you perfect.  Your daddy and I were so overwhelmed with gratitude and joy.  We fought so hard to have that moment; a moment that I was terrified would never happen for the 2 years we struggled to get pregnant with you....a moment we wanted more than anything in the world.  

When you were growing in my belly, we hoped and dreamed about things we would do once you arrived.  We were excited about teaching you things and raising you to be best person you could be.  A person who loved and laughed.  A person who was kind and gentle.  

When you were born and finally placed into my arms, my dream was fulfilled.  I was a mother, something that I wanted more than anything in the world.  There was never any questioning in my mind.  Being a mama wasn't something I wanted....it was something I needed....I needed to be someone's mama....it was a need so deep and desperate.  You filled that desperate need. You filled my heart with an overwhelming love.....The kind of love you could never expected or be prepared for....The kind that knocks the wind out of you. 

Watching you grow and develop has got to be one of the best parts of parenting.  Like all parents, I had moments in which I felt paranoid, like I was overreacting to subtle differences in your development.  At your 12 month visit, when your pediatrician told me that he was concerned, I thought that he was overacting.....but, deep down, I knew.  At 18 months, when the neurologist told us that she wanted to run invasive tests, I pleaded with her to just give you more time....deep down, I knew.  You were our perfect girl....you just needed more time.....you would show them.....deep down, I knew. Just after you turned 24 months, we started more assessments.....deep down, I knew.   By the
time you were 30 months, we were knee deep in evaluations....deep down, I knew.   You had so many appointments that Spring as your daddy and I sorted through an endless supply of paperwork, confusion, and worry....deep down, I knew. 

Then, one beautifully perfect day in June, I heard the words no parent is ever fully prepared to hear...your daughter has Autism....but, really, I heard the words that deep down, I knew.   Then, the neurologist called and said that you have several rare chromosomal disorders.....words that I never expected to hear.    It was a one two punch to my gut that shook me to my core.  I tried so hard to be brave both for you and the people that loved you.

Even as we sat through your first IEP meeting, I felt like you surely did not belong in special education.  You would get into that class and show them you didn't belong there.  I read more boards, articles, and books on autism than I ever thought possible.  I was in denial and I was angry.  They say that people with autism have difficulty with transitions, but I was the one who couldn’t accept this new role. I didn’t want special. I didn’t want different. I just wanted you...my perfect girl...who was fearly and wonderfully made.

The neurologist had the infamous Welcome  to Holland  poem in her office.  It's often given to parents of newly diagnosed special needs kids. In the essay, you prepare for a trip to Italy. You read up on the culture, pack the right clothes, even learn some of the language. You board the plane. And when you disembark...you are in Holland. Holland is a beautiful place, with windmills and tulips and lovely people. But you were supposed to go to Italy. Pasta! Gelato! Buongiorno! And now you see only wooden shoes and salted herring.  I remember reading it and thinking I don't want to go to Holland.... I just want this to go away.

The vast variety of materials I read in the following months to learn how to be a better mama to you just added to my feeling of inability. There was so much information out there, some of which was conflicting. So many therapies promising to be THE cure. People told me tings like, Trust your gut instinct and you are your child's greatest advocate...you know her best.  

I was afraid that I wouldn't have the capacity to be what you needed me to be. Even worse, I wasn't sure WHAT you needed me to be.   After your diagnosis, your entire future seemed uncertain. Would you have friends? Go to college?  Drive a car?  Yes, in those first days, I thought about those silly yet quintessential rites of passage.  Essentially, my dreams were crushed.....I was deeply grieving.  

We didn't tell many people.  Heck, I wasn't even sure what to say.....she's autistic, she has autism, or she has developmental delays.  It all sounded wrong.   I was still processing my own grief and wasn't in a place to help others process theirs.  Several people told me about autistics they knew and told me that they all had "special gifts".   Of course, without meaning to, their comments just made me feel worse.  Of course you were special!   You were our dream come true that loves music and swimming. EVERYONE has strengths....no matter what their diagnosis.

In trying to process my own grief and trying to figure out how to be a good mama to you, I stumbled across a blog called The Diary of a Mom.  She wrote a beautiful post called Welcome to the Club.  She put into words what I was trying to articulate:

You just want her to be accepted and cherished and celebrated for every last morsel of who she is. If we are parenting our children – any children – from a place of respect, over time our dreams for them will evolve as we find out who they are.  You will come to understand that there are gifts in all of this. Tolerance, compassion, understanding. Precious, life altering gifts.

Watch her. Follow her lead. Be patient. She will show you her strengths. More slowly than you might have thought, but they will begin to unfold. Because EVERYONE has strengths. And when they emerge, encourage them. Foster them. Build new dreams around them. Together.

Yes, baby girl.  Together, we are building new dreams as we find out together how to navigate this thing called Autism.  It is your story and I can't wait to watch you write it.  Your daddy and I will continue to accept, cherish and  celebrate you for every last morsel that you are.....A person who loves and laughs. A person who is kind and gentle.  We are excited to teach and guide you you to be best person you could be. But, please know, you have taught us more than you can imagine.  You will for ever be my greatest wish come true....the girl that made me a mama...the girl who is fearly and wonderfully...exactly the way you are supposed to be.  

Happy 3rd Birthday, baby girl! We love you with every fiber of our being....

xoxo,

Your mama